WHEN they arrived home Ana and Daniel went without speaking to the small shady table at the bottom of the garden, next to the vine.

Holly’s plan was for everyone to go home and take a break while Carol and Ivan went to the police station. Mark would stay with the Guys and the group would gather again when the outcome of the visit to the police was known. Ana was relieved to leave, impatient to say the words she needed to say to Daniel.

 

Ana stroked the leaves on the vine, her fingers feeling for the tiny grapes that were daily growing bigger and stronger, and then she sat down at the table,

“There’s something I have to tell you, cariño, now, before we talk about anything else at all.” She reached across the table and took his hand, holding it firmly.

“I am almost certain I am pregnant. I need to go to the farmacia tomorrow for a pregnancy test. I was going to today but today has been…”

“Pretty dreadful.” Daniel stroked her hand “So how long have you had this thought, my love? Weren’t you sure about telling me?”

 

Ana had prepared for this moment all day, for days, and in the car driving home, she had organised her words. However good her spoken English, she knew using words from a second language about matters so close to her heart needed preparation; she wanted to be certain that he understood her perfectly. It was, she knew, one of the most important speeches of her life and now the time had come to give it, she was surprised how calm and confident she felt. She could do it.

 

And as she told him of her feelings, he listened intently, never letting go of her hand. She described her feeling of separation from him since they had moved here, her fear that he felt closer to his old friends than he did to her. She shared her worry he would feel closer to Tony and Dominic than to their child and that Lynette still had a hold on him. But,  most of all, she told him, the last days had made her wonder what other secrets he had kept from her. She wondered why he had not told her of his affair with Sarah when Sarah’s interest in Ana was so clear. “Do you think that’s what she wanted to tell me when she arranged to meet me? Why would she be so keen to tell such ancient history, did she know more secrets, ones you are keeping from me?”

 

And then she came to the hardest part, she asked if he thought there were more crimes, lying hidden below the surface of the lives of these foreigners, his close friends, in this small town. He must tell her exactly how much he had known, in advance, of the revelations from Carole and Mark.  Ana reminded him how closely he had listened to Carole on the day of their walk with the dogs.

These were, she concluded, the reasons she had kept her strong belief that she was pregnant to herself. “It is not just for me to know these things, cariño, our baby deserves the best, the most secure, the safest environment possible. And I am not sure it is a safe place here, amongst these troubled people, your friends.  Much as I care for them now.” 

 

“Well, well. I thought I had guessed a little of how you were feeling but I had no idea your anxiety went so deep.”
 

Daniel looked so shaken that at that moment it came to her, for the first time in their relationship, that he was uncertain of himself. She had agonised about telling Daniel of her affair with Max; on the one hand, she wanted to reassure him she too had things she was not proud of; but she wasn’t sure how much more Daniel could take at this time. Seeing him now,  she knew she had been right to stay silent, for the present anyway.

 

She saw that Daniel Smith, fifty years old, a computer expert, a father of two twenty-something sons, the man she had chosen for his quiet strength, the man who reminded her of her father and Atticus Finch combined, had no idea what to say to her or how to cope with either his feelings or hers.

 

She realised that she had created a person she wanted and ignored the signs he was not as sure of himself as he appeared. When they lived in Brussels there been nothing in their lives to show up this gap. Their lives had revolved around work, socialising with compatible friends and the occasional visits of and to their families. Because the visits of Dominic and Tony had been so important to Daniel and thus to her, Ana had given no thought to the lack of any other family on his part. She knew he was an only child and that both his parents were dead and not much more. The only part of his childhood he had shared with her was the time he spent with his grandmother on his father’s side in Wales. She had Daniel told her, lived in Tenby, one of the most beautiful small towns in west Wales and one with a wonderful beach. From his “Nan” he told her, he learned his love of singing and swimming.

 

Now Ana wondered why she had not questioned him more about his childhood, asked where his parents had been when their only child spent his summers with a grandmother. She vowed that if they could get through their current crisis, she would find out more about his past life and look for ways to help Daniel talk about things he found difficult, or even painful.

 

Perhaps their thoughts ran in tandem because Daniel said “Do you what I would like more than anything? I would like us to go away somewhere, anywhere, and be on our own and just talk. Talk about all the things that have happened here, and everything we have never talked about. But most of all just be the two of us again.”

Before she could respond, begin the conversation they had always avoided, Daniel’s telephone rang and Ana realised that it was Jeff calling, 

 

Daniel said he would talk to Ana and ring back. He raised his hand in a gesture of what looked to her like defeat and told her that Ivan and Carole had finished giving statements to the police and they would like to talk to everyone. As Holly had planned, Mark was with Holly and Jeff at their home, calmer now. Could they all come round to the Guy’s house? Would Daniel and Ana come?

“Daniel, carino, I feel every time we try to communicate your friends interrupt us. Do you feel the same way?

 

"Ana, my darling, if you don’t want to go to the Guy’s house tonight then I am with you all the way. Just say the word and I will ring Jeff back and say we can’t come. They don’t need us anymore.”

But Ana found she couldn’t say those words. She realised that she was hooked on this story. She needed to know what had happened when Ivan and Carole had talked with the police. However important the conversation that she and Daniel were having, needed above all to have, she had made herself a party to this drama. It wasn’t only Daniel who was involved, she was too.

 

​

Holly’s kitchen table looked set for a battle as they walked in. There was the usual cheerful muddle of cups, papers and bowls of fruit but Ana felt a tense atmosphere. Mark sat at one end of the table, nearest the cooker, and Holly and Jeff stood behind him like sentinels, she thought, one on each side. Ivan and Carol sat on the left side of the table and Lynette and Jonathan sat opposite. There was nothing unusual about the seating, it was the body language that gave away an absence of the usual camaraderie. Jonathan and Lynette both sat with their arms across their bodies, as if, Ana thought, they were holding their feelings inside themselves. Carol looked anxious and fraught and Ivan had his arm around her shoulder.. Mark himself was the only one who looked in any way normal and who said as they came through the door, in a voice close to his usual tone “Hello you two. Thanks so much for coming, I am sure you could think of a thousand things you would rather do."

 

“Nothing is more important than sorting this out,” Daniel said as he sat down next to Lynette, leaving Ana to take the empty chair opposite, next to Ivan. “What happened at the police station?”

Ana was surprised when Carole replied; she had expected Ivan to make the telling into one of his amusing tales. But it was too vital for that, and Carole seemed to have gained confidence now that the visit was over. She told them that it was Manuel Camps who conducted the interview, with Mayte and another police officer, a man who wasn’t introduced, taking notes.  Manuel Camps had thanked Carole for the statement she prepared, it was useful he said and explained many things. It had not excused her for wasting the time of the police though and he told her she was extremely lucky that they had not charged her with any of the offences she appeared to have committed

“Ivan asked him about the autopsy on Sarah, whether they found alcohol in her blood. That was brave of you, darling because they were all being very stern. I felt like a naughty schoolgirl.”

 

“It looks as if they slipped up” Ivan joined in, “they didn’t check the blood analysis properly the first time, so they missed the fact she was completely pissed. I don’t know why, I suppose they weren’t looking for it, so didn’t see it. Anyway, I am sure old Camps was embarrassed and so he went easier than he might have on Carol.”

 

Jonathan looked across the table at Ana, and she saw the real pain in his eyes. “I don’t believe we should talk about Sarah like this, it sounds so impersonal somehow.  We are trying to cover up the fact that she is dead, that she died a horrible death. And Mark hasn’t explained why he said nothing. Why he let us search the cliffs, go through that charade at the U3A meeting. I am not OK with all this, Mark.  I can’t pretend I am.”

 

Holly and Jeff seemed ready for the outburst and Holly immediately moved closer to Mark, putting her hand on his shoulder saying “Jonathan, please don’t say things you will regret later. We know how much you loved Sarah, but making Mark even more unhappy won’t bring her back.”

 

“No, I must speak” Jonathan was, Ana could see, close to tears “there is so much that doesn’t add up in your story, Mark. What happened to her phone and her keys, they weren’t around her neck when she was found? If the police won’t ask the questions, then I must”.

 

Looking around the table, Ana realised that she had not been alone in wondering whether Mark had given Sarah a final push to send her over the cliff. But what was the point of pursuing it? What good would the knowledge do anyone, least of all Sarah now? And the thought came to Ana that she must stop Jonathan before he uttered the fatal words to Mark, accused him of killing his wife. Those words could never be unsaid.

 

Surprising herself, and she saw a look of amazement on Daniel’s face too, she moved around the table and standing close to Jonathan, she wrapped her arms around him.

 

“Jonathan mi carido amigo, you were such a good friend to Sarah but you couldn’t save her from her grief. The things that were done to her as a young girl were too terrible.  I couldn’t believe them when I found out. I thought those things only happened in books, but now I am older and wiser. I have learnt so much about the way bad things can haunt people and go on causing harm. One important thing I have learnt from this is that if friends seem troubled, then we must go to them, give them our help. So let us all help each other now. Let us grieve together for Sarah and never forget her. Let us not dwell on the bad things she did in her pain, let us remember her words about the children she loved and helped in India.  The bad things she said and did, they have had consequences for all of us. We look at each other differently now because we have learnt secret things about each other. But I think friends can manage this, can overcome this. I have things in my life I have kept secret, doesn’t everyone? “

 

As she paused, Ana saw glances being exchanged and she felt the mood in the kitchen change. It was Jeff who spoke, with more passion in his voice than she had expected.

 

“Ana is right. I don’t think I have ever felt more ashamed of myself in my life. I didn’t think I could look you all in the face after you heard what I did, how I took advantage of Sarah in her distress and betrayed Holly. And Mark, my friend. But I am more fortunate than I can say because it’s Holly who has given me the courage to carry on. I don’t deserve her trust and her belief in me”.  He swallowed hard then continued “so I can see no good reason to carry on the discussion about how Sarah fell from the cliff. It is distressing for all of us but imagine how it must be for Mark.”

 

Ivan had been unusually silent, Ana thought, and now he spoke in a much more subdued, humble even, voice describing how shocked he had been at the revelations of Sarah’s diary. “I admired Sarah because the only time I tried it on with her” and he touched Carole’s arm briefly, “Carole knows this story, but Sarah said “don’t do that again, Ivan, there’s a good chap”   and you know, I never did.” He continued, addressing his remarks to Jonathan, “ I think I feel I failed Sarah, maybe we all feel that because although she was behaving increasingly erratically I never went to her and asked her straight out what was the matter. None of us did anything and perhaps if someone had we might have stopped her descent into hell. Maybe though it just wasn’t possible.”

 

Ana couldn’t help glancing at Jonathan, wondering he felt about these remarks, directed, she knew, at him. She was aware he felt guilty because he hadn’t been able to prevent his lover committing suicide. Would he prefer to blame Mark, rather than wonder why he hadn’t been able to stop Sarah in her relentless path to the top of the cliff?

Lynette had said nothing and showed no sign of wanting to speak. They seemed to be all waiting for Jonathan’s response and Ana wondered if he could let go of the past.

 

Jonathan was silent for what felt liked minutes and when he spoke Ana saw the gleam of tears in his eyes. He cleared his throat, took a deep breath and said “Jeff, I needed to hear that. You are right that ever since Sarah died I have felt so guilty that I didn’t challenge her about her spiteful stories, her crazy behaviour. Once again I let down someone close.”

 

Mark stood up and moved around the table until he was close to Jonathan. “The only person who bears any blame, any responsibility at all for Sarah’s misery is me. You were her friends, people who only met her when the harm had been done. Please, please do not think any of you could have changed what happened. The blame for that is mine and mine alone. And I have no right to ask any of you to forgive me what happened."  He put his hand on Jonathan’s shoulder. “What I think I can do for the best, if I am able, is to leave here. While I stay I am a memory, a reminder of all the horrible things that have happened.”  He explained that his visit to Barcelona had to been to meet former colleagues he had known in India. They had asked him if he would be prepared to take a job in India with Voluntary Service Overseas, a charity he worked with often over the years. The only thing he knew was that the work was not in Utah Pradesh, the place of his downfall. It would, of course, he went on, be dependent on the police allowing him to leave Spain, while the cause of Sarah’s death was still open.
 

There was little more to say after Marks’s news and little enthusiasm among the friends to linger. On the drive home, Ana and Daniel were silent until Ana’s phone rang and she signalled to Daniel that it was Mayte calling.

 

As usual, they had spoken in Valenciano and so when the call was ended, Ana gave Daniel a summary of the  news.  Manuel Camps had, Mayte reported,  been embarrassed about the error of the police in not discovering  Sarah had been drunk when she fell from the cliff and that inclined him to declare the case in abeyance, in reality

close the file. Mayte also told Ana that Manuel Camps held the opinion that even if Senor Harris had given his wife a push, which she, Mayte, thought he probably had, he was no danger to the public and nothing would be served by causing a whole lot of problems with the British community.  To summarise, Mayte thought Manuel Camps hoped Mark Harris would leave the area and live somewhere else and that she, Mayte,  hoped that her friendship with Ana could resume, as she for one was missing their conversations.

 

Daniel laughed, for the first time in a long while,  as Ana told him Mayte’s wish and he agreed that the two couples should get together and share some decent wine soon.

 

They were pulling into their drive as he said the words and missed the sharp look Ana gave him.  “And that is what I will have now” he said, "along with something decent to eat.”

 

They went into the kitchen and Daniel prepared sandwiches. They sat at the small table right outside their kitchen door, the sun had moved around and there was comfortable shade. The flowers in the pots nearest the door smelled sweet and seductive and inside the kitchen, the radio was playing, music from the nineteen seventies. On their first journey together, in the car driving from Brussels to the south of France, Daniel had introduced her to the songs of Simon and Garfunkel. The poems of his generation, he had called them. On the autoroute, driving south to the sun, in the first heat of their passion, they had sung along to the record and Ana had learned all the words. On the radio, they heard the familiar notes and they listened together to the words they loved.

 

“Kathy, I’m lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping” and Ana’s heart almost broke as Daniel sang with Paul Simon “I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why." 

 

“Yes” Ana said “ I see now. I don’t know why I didn’t before but I am awake now, and I am listening, cariño.”